Issue #34 Tuesday 6th November 2012

 

 

**The News In The Guild**

 

Everyone has been dreary eyed at 'The Star' today. After last night’s late release and following antics (you'll find out in a mo) we didn't get to leave the office until gone midnight, so we have been taking it easy today. But rest assured we still have plenty of news to dish so let’s push on.

 

Today saw 2 members advance in age. 'Armitius' and 'Akbhoy67' both enter the LMA with all the new buildings and goods it brings with it now available to them. 'Akbhoy67' spoke to one of our reporters after this achievement exclaiming "The lab boys did good. Now I can focus my research on proper technology, like my idea for a device that turns an entire sheep inside out. Eh Volla .. Instant Haggis". Thankfully our reporter left before the prototype demonstration. 'Armitius' was just as controversial in his statement saying "Jerusalem is now in its next stage of development. At last I can finish my city wall which won't stop wailing ant my people. Arrggggg...Oh how I long for one night of peace...". We wish both Guildies luck in these pursuits.

 

**Other News**

 

********************************** SCANDAL ************************************

********* BURNSIDE FOUND TIED UP WITH 100 NAKED BIRDS *********

 

The biggest scandal in recorded history rocked Atlantis during the very early hours of this morning 6th November. Guildies all over Atlantis were eagerly waiting for their 'Star' to arrive to check out how their local football team had fared to find no football report. Angry scenes were seen outside the 'Star's' offices with demands to know why and cries of, "what do we pay our money for" and "It's a rip off" were heard from the assembled mob.

 

'Lord Zand' addressed the motley mob explaining that he was not to blame, 'Burnside' was the sports editor and he had not been seen since he had returned in a drunken but very happy state from his stadium following last night’s game against Jimmyhig County. 'Lord Zand' managed to placate the crowd saying that there would be a .0001% reduction in cost of buying the next issue. (Quite how he is going to reduce that measly sum from the cost is beyond us).

 

'Lord Zand', worried for the disappearance of 'Burnside' sent out all the spare staff he had to look for him, he was even going to send Tarquin but He, She, It would only open the door a fraction to 'Lord Zand' and said He, She, It had some very urgent sewing to do and could not possibly go out looking for a drunken fool with liver problems. After 2 hours had elapsed a full scale search was commenced, with not a sight nor sound of Burnside, and the Atlantis National Guard were deployed for the very first time in history.

 

At about 4am this morning a shout went up that he had been found, he had been found tied up gagged and blindfolded with 100 fully naked birds. The shock, horror and embarrassment of 'Lord Zand' at this news was indescribable and he was seen shaking his head then quickly penning an advert for a new co-editor.

 

Then the full story reached him.......

 

Apparently 'Burnside' had been found in his carrier pigeon loft, he had been knocked over the head then tied up and blindfolded and left on the floor, as for his pigeons, every single one of them was fully naked, not a feather was left on their tiny little bodies and they sat shivering on their perches like small oven ready chickens. 'Burnside' had gone to the loft to collect all the football results that had winged their way in from stadiums all over Atlantis so as to get the report ready for last night’s Star.

 

When interviewed this is what Burnside told the senior investigating officer:

 

"I entered the loft and could not believe what I saw, all my beautiful birds, naked and featherless, but not a feather to be seen anywhere, the next thing I was seeing stars, I woke up gagged and blindfolded, tied to one of the loft struts, it's a good job someone found me or I would have missed my medicinal glasses of single malt whisky and that wouldn't do my liver any good at all.

 

After he was found he was taken straight back to the Stars office where Tarquin appeared and made him very comfortable with some very nice, soft, new cushions for him to lie on. The mystery will be debated in inns and taverns up and down the length and breadth of Atlantis for many years to come, unless we find out how this tragedy happened it will be pure speculation.

 

Rest assured the Star has it's very best team of investigative reporters onto this story right now and we will report anything to you as soon as we find out, in the meantime guildies are advised to only go about in pairs when visiting their pigeon lofts.

 

**Sports News**

 

And now for the football results from last night’s league games:

 

******** DIVISION 1 ******

 

Jimmyhig County 4 Burnsides Bulldogs 5

 

Jizzalots 5 Hokage14 Pink Unicorn 2

 

Lord Farrals Bravehearts 4 Kolokoy Cross-Boo Tanding 6

 

Mariposa's Monarchs 1 Knycknacs Kicker Crackers 5

 

Rinbins Jesters 2 Monarchy88 CPi Butanding 1

 

Seamonkey Westmonk 1 More76 Savon Voema 2

 

Ujka Sams Bukisland 3 Spurndendsa's Spud LUFC 2

 

UK's Finest 3 Stipsa's Zute ose Serbia 4

 

*********** DIVISION 2 ********

 

Caphalor Titans 3 Akbhoy67 Celtic Galactico's 1

 

Doctiny's Speculums 6 Akhil Wonder 5

 

Gremla MK Maribor 1 Empted STB Old Boys Club 4

 

Kradlum's Kaiser Chiefs 1 Galts Bohemians 5

 

Raxpools Hamflickers 4 Mmarrkks Tartan Spartans 4

 

Slyfoxy's City Slickers 1 PFCJay Thunder 4

 

Wizofwoz Wrecklace Warriors 3 The Bho's Ballhogs 6

 

Zanders Zombies 6 TonyEvl The Big Beer Bellies 2

 

Unfortunately guildies the Star printing press will not allow us to put the league tables in a true format so here is the best we could do.*all players having played 2 games

 

************ DIVISION 1 ************

 

1. Knycknac 6 points +5 GD

2. MORE76 6 points +5 GD

3. UjkaSam 6 ponits +4 GD

4. Stipsa 4 points +1 GD

5. Jizzalots 3 points +2 GD

6. Seamonkey 3 ponits +2 GD

7. Kolokoy 3 points +1 GD

8. Burnside 3 points +0 GD

9. Jimmyhig 3 points +0 GD

10. Hokage14 3 points -2 GD

11. Rinbin 3 points -2 GD

12. Mariposa 3 points -3 GD

13. Spurndensda 1 point -1 GD

14. Lord Farral 0 point -3 GD

15. Uk's Finest 0 points -4 GD

16. Monarchy88 0 points -5 GD

 

********* DIVISION 2 **********

 

1. Galts Bohemians 6 points +5 GD

2. Zander 6 points +5 GD

3. Caphalor 6 points +4 GD

4. PfcJay 4 points +3 GD

5. Raxpool 4 Points +2 GD

6. Empted 3 points +2 GD

7. The Bho's 3 points +1 GD

8. TonyEvl 3 points +1 GD

9. Akbhoy 3 points +0 GD

10. Doctiny 3 points -1 GD

11. Kradlum 3 points -3 GD

12. Mmarrkks 2 points +0 GD

13. Akhil 0 points -3 GD

14. Gremla 0 points -4 GD

15. Wizofwoz 0 points -4 GD

16. Slyfoxy 0 points -5 GD

 

As we can see Slyfoxy is the strongest team in the leagues holding everyone else up !!!!!

 

We will try and sort out a better way to present the leagues as soon as we can folks until then we can only do our best.

 

Don't forget the second round of the league cup is played on Wednesday.

 

**Final Say**

 

So that’s it for Tuesday’s issue Guildies. With celebration and scandal, today has been an eventful one and that’s even before we start on about 'Raxpool' and his Boner...uh we mean Bonus polishing. But that's for another day. Keep on Rocking.....

 

Copy right reserved TM

Editors:Burnside, Lord Zand 

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