Issue #29 Wednesday 31st October 2012

 

 

Around the Guild:

 

Well there have been no leavers or new members today, but, it looks like hangovers all round again as a further 4 members achieved LMA status in yet another cracking day for the guild. 

 

Congratulations go out to: Mitto .... Ag038 .... Terrornia .... AceDude.

 

Our reporter caught up with all four of them celebrating together in the 'Pig and Firkin' ale house. Some good it did him as all he could get out of them was BUUUURPPP, Hic, Hic, Gish ush anudder one barman and Oh my god make way I need to throw up..

Looks like they will be in no fit state at their joint party tonight but who cares all the more for the rest of us. (Oh my poor liver).

 

A couple of other bits of gossip around the guild today.

 

Kruss was at a grave yard kneeing down in front of a tombstone.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

 

Incubator who was passing by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually I never met him!" replied Kruss.

 

"Why are you moaning then?" asked Incubator curiously.

"He was my wife's first husband!".

 

 

Tarantula takes his wife into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and he goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to Tarantula and asks him what he wants, he replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

 

The barman looks at him puzzled but say's nothing and gives him his drinks. this happens twice more.

 

A couple of hours pass and Tarantulla goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

 

The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I don't think it's very fair for him to call you that".

 

The woman turns to him and smiles and says...

"Oh, don't worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!

 

 

 

Sports News:

 

Today saw the first round matches of the Atlantis league cup being played. There was an abundance of goals scored and it was obvious that the emphasis of most teams had been attack.

It was also noticeable that Sallton had taken all the better goalkeepers with him when he left as there were some dog awful performances between the sticks.

 

Here are the results: 

 

 

Wizofwoz Wreclace Warriors (5) Galts Bohemians (4)

 

Caphalors Titans (6) Jizzalots (1)

 

Burnsides Bulldogs (2) Zanders Zombies (1)

 

Mariposa's Monarchs (6) UK's Finest (4)

 

More76 Saxon Voema (2) Slyfoxy's City Slickers (4)

 

Akbhoy Celtic Galactico's (3) Kolokoy Cross-Boo Tanding (6)

 

Akhil Wonder (4) Hokage14 Pink Unicorn (6)

 

Kradlum Kaiser Chiefs (6) Jimmyhig County (5)

 

Kyncknacs Kicker Crackers (6) Raxpool Hamflickers (3)

 

Rinbins Jesters (4) Ujka Sams Bukisland (4) Ujka Sam won (10) (5) after extra time 

 

Gremla7 MK Maribor (4)Stipsa's Zute ose Serbia (4) Stipsa7 won (8)(6) after extra time 

 

Doctinys Speculums (5) Lord Farrals Bravehearts (6)

 

Seamonket's Westmonk (3) Empted STB Old Boys Club (5)

 

Spurdensa's Spud LUFC (3) Monarchy88 CPi Butanding (2)

 

PFCJays Thunder (4) mmarrkks Tartan Spartans (1)

 

The Bho's Ballhogs (2) TonyEvl Big Beer Bellies (1)

 

Two games went into extra time having finished at 4 each. A gripping game between Gremla7 MK Maribor and Stipsa's Zute ose Serbia fianlly saw Stipsa coming out winners 8 - 6 this was due to a superb extra time hat trick from their main striker 'Flashy' Fred Finnegan who tore through Gremla7's defence like a knife through butter.

 

The other game to go to extra time was Rinbins Jesters and UJKA Sam with UJKA Sam running out (10) (5) winners, however, a protest has been registered with the Atlantis league governing body by Rinbin. He told our reporters "They were definitely 'on something' and I demand a drugs test". 

When asked for a response to the allegations UJKA Sam replied "Rinbins Jesters, they are having a laugh, we beat them because they ran out of jokes in extra time and that meant our players could take the game seriously" 

We will of course have to wait to find out the outcome of the enquiry, however when we asked UJKA Sams centre half 'Bite their legs' Marley for his view he stated " They made us all give a water sample, now that's just taking the piss".

 

It is good to see that both our ladies teams progressed to the second round, UK's Finest manager refused to make any comment and all he could do was shake his head. Akhil Wonder was heard mumbling from the dressing room "Beaten by the girlies, I'll never live it down".

 

In a close encounter between the Editors of this Paper, Burnsides Bulldogs won a thrilling match (2) (1). Again an appeal has gone in against the decision with Lord Zand claiming that "Not only does Mrs Burnside do the results but we believe that his Brother was the referee, we had 3 goals disallowed for offside and the ref awarded them two penalties" Again the leagues board of officials are looking into the matter.

 

The draw for the second round will take place at league headquarters tomorrow, we eagerly await what thrilling matches this round will throw up. 

 

 

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Editors:Burnside, Lord Zand 

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